When
you read the title, perhaps some of you won't care because you think that
you will never deal with it. Though, there are many cases of divorce nowadays
because of the infidelity. As we know that everybody wants to be in social
media and it becomes a lifestyle among the people in the big cities to share
their life publicly. Before we go through the details, let's see what
infidelity is. Infidelity is an act of having sex with someone who is not your
husband/wife or regular sexual partner (Cambridge dictionary online).
There
are a lot of reasons why infidelity occurs in a marriage. I know how it feels
when you find your spouse cheats on you when you feel that nothing is wrong
with your marriage. You feel like your world is tumbling down and so devastated
as someone you have trusted most has betrayed you.
Some
people actually do not have any intention to hurt their spouse by doing
infidelity. So how do you know that you need to be aware of it and how to
recover from the nightmare? Infidelity may start on a workplace or in a cyber
space. The advanced technology has made life easier by providing so many applications
for those people who love to find new friends online. There are a lot of dating
sites that you can choose to connect yourself with new people nearby or even
around the world. As to validate oneself in the social media becomes a need and
a life style of the people nowadays, these dating sites have successfully being
abused. It is not only singles who try to find a match, but many married people
who pretend to be a single are there. This is just one examples of how infidelity
starts. Well, at first it is just a chat, nothing more than that. Then, you
start to feel comfortable to tell this stranger everything happens in your
life. You will like you prefer to tell this person rather than to share it with
your spouse. Unconsciously, you attach with this person verbally and
emotionally. Then you start to send pictures and the person responses the same
way. Then, video calls. Finally, an appointment to meet up which will lead to a
physical contact.
Emotional sex is a friendship that escalates into something that feels the same as
romantic love and can manifest itself in numerous ways - physically,
romantically, emotionally, lustfully, verbally, or virtually. Friendship
becomes emotional sex when the feel-good brain chemicals and hormones that are
released when even thinking about that person take over. Any contact with the
person as potent as a drug addiction
(https://www.huffingtonpost.com/sheri-meyers/infidelity-emotional-sex-technology-cheating_b_1434356.html)
Now,
after you know that your spouse has cheat on you, what to do next? The first
reaction will be so clear that you will be so sad and angry and anything or any
words to calm you down will not work at all. You will keep screaming “Oh My
God, It’s happening to me”.
It
is insane to say this but you have to calm down once you know that your spouse
is cheating on you. I can't deny that my relation is not always in a happy mode
just like what you have read in fairy tales. There were times that I could see
my spouse behaved differently. I could see from the way he dressed up, his mood
swings and how he hid his chats on his phone. Then, I found some evidences that
he was in a romantic love with another woman, although he swore that there wasn’t
an infidelity there. So here are some steps that I guarantee will work well to
deal with infidelity:
1.
Find
the Reasons and Discuss If Both of You Want to Save Your Marriage
Every relation is always up and down and
every couple has a different way to react on a betrayal. As I have said previously, the first step to
deal with any betrayal, especially in an infidelity is not to get panic. Try to
make reflection first to yourself if there is any miss communication and find
the reasons why your spouse did it. Confront him in a good way and ask him how
far the relation went on. Ask him if he is willing to save the marriage. This
is the difficult part, because both of you need to work on your tone when you
are talking and try to control your emotion, because usually it will turn into
an investigation.
2.
Be
Ready to See and to Hear His Story and All the Details
If your spouse is willing to fix your
marriage, he will take the phase of "investigation". He is better to
cooperate by telling you every detail, and that nothing is serious with the
other woman, so after that you can move on. He also needs to come clean if he
wants you to trust him again. Make sure that he agrees to show you all the
evidences that he is not in relation with the other woman anymore and he keeps
his promise. Do not expect that he will tell you everything in the first day
you ask for it. It takes time for him to do it because being caught in the act
is really hurting his pride as a man.
3.
Never
Contact the Other Woman
I know you feel like you want to find
her and shout all the bad words to her face. Believe me; it will just hurt you
more. She is not important. You will never know that probably she does not know
that she is in relation with a married man. The fact that she knows or she does
not know is not important because your focus should be on you and your spouse.
I think as long as you make sure that your spouse cut all the connection with
her and you keep an eye on him, it’s enough.
4.
Read
Books or Other Sources about Infidelity and Join the People with the Same
Stories
It’s a simple thing, but when you do not
have any ideas about what’s going on, you better try to find resources about
how to heal yourself. Talking to people who have the same experiences will help
you physiologically. Find support from these people. I suggest you not to tell
your spouse’s infidelity to your nuclear family. We never know how it will
affect their opinion about your spouse and we do not want to create a bigger
friction regarding this issue by involving your family in it.
5.
See
a Marriage Counselor
If you think you can't handle it by
yourself, you can spend some times to talk to a marriage counselor. If you
spouse does not want to come with you, you can do it for yourself.
6.
Forgive
Yourself and Forgive Him
It is a very difficult part. Maybe you
can forgive, but I know it is not easy to forget. There will be times when you
have to stop in the middle of making love to him, because suddenly you imagine
that he is in bed with someone else and you wonder if he touches her like the
way he touches you. Well, never ever ask
him how good she is in bed. When he tells you, you will start to compare
yourself to her and you also will make your spouse recalls her performance in
bed. That’s not good. When he does not tell you, you will keep wondering about
it. So, it’s better not to get obsessed about the other woman. Stay connected
to your man only. Make peace with yourself about this.
7.
Treat
Yourself and Spend More Time Together
You can grieve, but set a time when you
need to stop. Treat yourself. Make yourself happy. Then, spend more time with
your spouse doing activities together. You are the one who knows what he likes
and what he does not like.
8.
Enjoy
the Healing Process
Do not push yourself. Enjoy the healing
process on your own pace. You can tell him that you will be in an up and down
emotional state because of the infidelity, so you need him to be more patient in
dealing with you.
I know it’s painful, but you can always
reconsider your decision whether you’re truly capable of staying in this
relationship or not. Times will heal. You can’t undo what has happened, but believe
me, things will get better with time. Some relationships can survive infidelity, but
many can’t. It’s a hard choice to make, but in my opinion, you will need to think
seriously and honestly about your future with your spouse. You always can choose
whom you let go and whom you let stay in your life.
Good Luck.
